Lilijunex would rather take abominations than submit to the slow death of alienated labour
Size Queen Lilijunex interviewed by Auto_Anon
Lilijunex is one of the largest creators on the popular subscription-based adult content site Fansly (a competitor of OnlyFans). The thirty-year-old has risen to the top of the oversized fantasy dildo niche with over a million likes and 254 thousand followers on the platform. Lilijunex describes herself as a “collared submissive fuck-doll who likes to light weights, play video games and sit at your feet.” She is also obsessed with David Lynch, cute cats, and has a growing interest in fashion. I know these additional facts because in addition to being arguably the most skilled woman on the planet at taking dildos the size of her torso, she has also been my close friend for the past fifteen years. When I first came up with the idea of interviewing fellow sex workers, I was sitting on her couch watching a Gregg Araki film and hoping that people would enjoy my article “Would You Kill A Woman”. Knowing I wanted to start this series with a relatively positive sex work success story, I immediately asked her if she would consent to an interview. I believe it is her first. She readily agreed, excited to give back to her community, and perhaps help some people just starting out in the field. Not too long after, an article about my own reliance on sex work called “Sex Working Through Your PhD” blew up. I got to hear from so many women who like me had turned to sex work to finance grad school. Many of them told me how they felt so much less alone hearing about my story. Many knew they had colleagues who did it too, but they kept it hush hush, and my article was the first time they’d seen someone talk about it openly. That cemented my desire to help fellow sex workers tell their stories, and give their perspectives on their work. It is my absolute pleasure to begin with my friend Lili, aka Lilijunex.
AA: I’m going to start with a fun one. What’s the silliest thing that has ever happened to you because of your work?
LJ: So, obviously, you know what I do. You’ve seen the abominations that I use. I would call them abominations more than I would call them toys. And I think, like, if any just average member of the population saw this, they probably wouldn’t even know what they’re looking at, like, they’re just absurdly large and very weird looking. So, with getting things in the mail, there can be some drama sometimes, because it’s not just coming to my door. So, at my old building, all the packages went to like the concierge desk, and the concierge would like mark it and give you like a slip on your mailbox, and then you’d come and like pick it up. So I got this, I think it was like a bad dragon order, and it had like three giant toys in it, and I went down to get my box one day, and the concierge kind of pulls it out, and she has this look on her face. I ask, “What’s the problem?” And she says, “so…like someone took this, they thought it was theirs, and they brought it back”. I see that it had been opened, and they retaped it, and I’m just like, so someone, some very unlucky person opened that and was just like, ‘this is not for me. I don’t know what this is.’ I don’t know. I traumatized someone that day, and I may have also traumatized the concierge, because she just had this look on her face, and I was like, are you the one who taped this? Did they bring it to you open? Maybe I read too much into it, and she was just being apologetic, but it was very mortifying. I was just like, ‘everyone knows I’m a deviant, I’m leaving’. No one’s ever again opened my package, as far as I know, like that, but, sometimes my superintendent at this new building, he’ll be like, ‘Oh, here you have a box, wow, it’s really heavy. What do you got in there? And I’m just like, ‘Oh, you know, just bricks’. I look forward to the privacy of one day living in a house.
AA: Oh gosh! Was there any issue after that? Did you get looked at weird going forward?
LJ: Well, I just like always kind of think people are looking at me weird. I mean, it was a big building, and I have no idea who opened it, right? So that was a good thing. I’m glad I don’t know who it was, and they presumably don’t know it was me.
AA: But the concierge was chill?
LJ: Yeah, yeah, I had great rapport with all the concierges there. But it made me a little uncomfortable, because I was like, girl, are you gonna look at me differently now, so I like really ride like the privilege of like my nice white girl aesthetic sort of thing, you know?
All photos in this post are taken by me, Auto_Anon. I reserve the rights to them.
AA: So how did you get into this? How did you get started making porn?
LJ: I don’t know if we’ve ever actually really talked about this. I don’t know if you even know the answer to this. I’ve been making porn on and off since I was like 20, so over 10 years ago now. I made an Instagram page, and I was like, oh, I want to like post sexy photos on my Instagram page, and I did like “modeling”, aka just the shoots with photographers.
AA: Oh yeah, I remember that era.
LJ: I had a Tumblr that I’d post like the nudes on, and I would post like the implied stuff on Instagram, and then that just kind of like pipelined into like—at the time premium Snapchats were like a big thing—so I made a Snapchat, and I just did a flat rate. It was just like an easy way to monetize, because like the Instagram had like a good amount of followers on it, and essentially—and I’ll probably definitely get into this more, because it’s a big reason I do what I do, and it’s something that I’m kind of like, you know, re-examining with my life and stuff--It’s just like the validation from it, and you know what started out as just like me wanting to post for likes on the internet, and have people think I’m like hot cause that makes me feel good—the attention. I’ve always been like a pretty sexual person, I guess. And it was like a great outlet for me to be able to just be like sexy online and get attention for it, and it was like a fun, horny time that I could also make money from. I started like doing custom content with like the people that I met doing that, you know, then had issues with PayPal like getting banned, got my Snapchat banned, got my Instagram banned repeatedly, so I kind of just petered off. Also, the person I was dating at the time was not-not supportive, but he was very like kind of neutral about it. I think he like probably wasn’t into it. He was just like, ‘you don’t need to be doing this, like you don’t need the money, like I’m working’. And he was working and I wasn’t making like a ton from it anyway, so I was just like ‘okay’, even though for me it wasn’t really about the money.
So, yeah. I kind of like stopped for a couple years there, and then we split up and I started up again, and like my dearest lovely partner over there [she gestures to her partner], my love, he does not see me. I remember being really nervous, bringing it up to him. He knew I used to, like, you know, be a slut online, and I wanted to do it again, and I was so nervous, because I was like, ‘oh, I’m scared that he’s not going to be supportive’. But then he was like super down, and I realized how much it meant to me, because I was so happy, and then I started up again. That’s when I finally got on like the Only Fans train. I’d been kind of like avoiding the subscription model thing, because I’m just late to the party with tech in general, and avoidant. That was in 2021, I think. I made an OnlyFans, and then, like, a year later I made a Fansly to kind of like diversify, and then I quit my day job and just like dove headfirst into doing that, and here I am.
AA: Do you think the need for validation—the fact you could validate yourself online—do you think that was a useful outlet to make monogamy easier, that you have this other outlet?
LJ: Yeah, I do. I do think so. It’s actually funny, we were having a conversation recently about open relationships and polyamory, and that sort of thing, and it kind of segued into this topic, which a lot of our discussions inevitably do, because right now a kind of a big roadblock in my life is like, ‘what am I doing with my life in the content’. One of the things I said was that I fear that if I quit doing this because I want to like separate myself from that validation, because I think it is like purely superficial and isn’t bringing me like genuine happiness compared to like things I should be nurturing in like my IRL life. To preface all this, I don’t think validation is a problem, I think that’s normal and important. I just think that the avenues I’m seeking it from are becoming increasingly empty and meaningless—as opposed to real life relationships. But I fear that if I quit doing this, I’m going to feel this emptiness, or start feeling like there’s a void that needs to be filled.
AA: It’s like I started doing, you know, online sex work for very much the same reasons, and—
LJ: We are the same!
AA: and for me it was like a huge way of preventing myself from making worse decisions in person. It was like, oh, I really, really need some validation right now, my life’s really, really shit. I’m broke and like probably some bad shit is going down. And I know I’m hot as fuck, but I shouldn’t—I can’t just go on Grindr. I can’t meet the first person I find on Tinder. But I can post online with minimal repercussions. It’s harm reduction. It’s harm reduction, and I need the money.
LJ: Yeah, and like, the bar is so low and it feels so safe, right? It’s relatively incredibly safe, and it’s easy because people are looking for it. I’m glad you asked that question, because you’re kind of therapizing me right now, because we definitely touched on it before, but I don’t think it was as intentional as this question was. I’m going to carry this with me. It’s just been like floating in my head, so yeah, you know. Thank you, my therapist!
AA: For a while you were doing other jobs and at some point, those jobs overlapped with the porn creation.
LJ: Yeah, it was always on the side.
AA: But that stopped. Now you had a full-time, you know, porn queen.
LJ: It’s evolved into something completely different.
AA: what went into that decision to become a full-time porn creator?
LJ: Being deeply unhappy and having the financial privilege and freedom to take that like risk, essentially. For context, I was working a job, which I was really proud of myself for getting, because I had kind of like avoided work for a long time. I was living with my ex, who was working full time, so I didn’t need to be working. I was just like doing, like, a little…I don’t need to get into it, whatever. I was working this job, it was a work from home, like tech job, and I managed to get part-time hours doing it. It was pretty ideal by all standards for me, but I was still like, just deeply unhappy. My mental health was just like the worst it’s ever been. I was extremely anxious. I was having really, really bad insomnia and work was a big problem. You have to wake up to work. I would take days off, but you can only do that so much, and like I kept doing that until it got to the point where my partner intervened. We were living together and he was working full time. He said, “Just quit, it’s it’s not worth the money you’re making doing this for how unhappy you are. Like, I would rather have less money and just we just go on my income and not have you be like this. it’s just not worth it”. He was absolutely right. He was a big part of the reason I quit, he really encouraged me to, because I didn’t really believe that the porn would take off. I had been doing it and making, like, you know, a bit of extra income on the side, but he was like, ‘no, if you do this, if you actually enjoy doing this, you’re gonna make more money doing it’. I was like, I “don’t know”. So, he said, “Well, even if you don’t, it’s still worth it, like, you know, whatever, just quit your stupid job”. And I mean, neither of us could have expected how right he would be, because it blew up. I don’t know where I would have been without him. He’s been a big part of my trajectory to where I am now.
AA: Would it be fair to say that alienation from regular capitalist work, like, you know, just the horrors of the modern office space is kind of what led you to this, and you’re actually happier now?
LJ: Yeah, absolutely. My bachelor’s degree was a co-op degree, which was really great, because I got to make money, but what was really great about it is it really like taught me what I did not want to be doing for work while still in a position where like it’s a trial run. If I had gotten those jobs after finishing school, I might have just stayed in them inevitably, because you have to work. By the end of university, I was pretty much convinced that my life plan—and it probably still would be if I didn’t start making this money—was that I was going to be financially dependent on someone. I was going to find a partner, because that’s really important to me in general, but I was going to find a partner who was making enough money to support both of us. I essentially wanted to be a house slut, where I do all the domestic stuff. I really like that. I enjoy it, and it plays into like the kink dynamic that I want. And if my partner is happy with me making porn on the side, all the better. That, like, kind of feeds into it too. So that was my plan. But yes, I say this with hesitancy, because I feel like it really comes from like a place of privilege to be able to say this—and it’s true, I’ve been financially supported my whole life, I’ve never just been like on my own—the privilege to say “I cannot fucking stand work”. There were jobs I was okay with, and like, could, could have done, but yeah, like any of, like, the office corporate working on the computer, sort of thing, it was just a slow death.
AA: yeah, and I remember for a while you were doing like weird, odd and ends jobs, like you were waking up at like 4am to teach English to kids in China.
LJ: I loved that job! That was a good gig. And then China was all “No, we’re not allowing this anymore”. What a loss! I was just like teaching adorable children for a few hours every day. Other than the terrible hours, it was a great time.
AA: Okay, I’ve got to ask, what’s the deal with the giant, with the abominations, with the fantasy dildos? Was this something you were into for yourself, or did you just somehow learn you had like a natural aptitude and go for it? like, “oh my god, my pussy is built for this”?
LJ: Okay, so, there’s definitely like two ends to this. The first end is I’ve like been into like hentai and like animated and drawn porn for a long time, and I think a big reason I’ve been into it for so long is because it depicts like insane insertions that you obviously can’t do in real porn. Don’t get me wrong, I love to huge dildo porn too, and I think that helped me get into it, but point being that it was like the size kink that I kind of realized I had when I was, I would say, very young, like pretty soon after I started like having sex. I always explain this to people when they ask how I got into stretching and I describe it as a part of a kink for me. Specifically, it’s part of domination, and stretching being an act of domination in a partnered sense. That’s how I got into that. It was you know, it was being like bound and like having like household objects just like stuck in me and stuff, you know. I’m not going to put fruits and veggies in me again. We’ve passed that chapter in my life—maybe with like a condom on it. Don’t be sticking produce in you, you will get an infection. Put a condom on it. So, yeah, it was…it was about domination, because yes, I am a sub, that is my thing. That is my sexual identity in one word.
So, yeah, that kind of turned into ‘oh, let’s look at dildos online’, and then it was like the shitty PVC, like Doc Johnson toys, and shit like that. King Cock, I had a few King Cox. Don’t use those! I know silicone is more expensive, but it’s getting more and more accessibly priced. Use body safe toys, same reason as the fruits and veggies. Yeah, so then I discovered body safe toys. I found sex toy reviewers and bloggers and stuff. I learned, “oh, they don’t have to smell like shit and make your whole bathroom smell like rubber or something that’s good”. Then that pipelined into like the fantasy toy stuff, because the primary producers of very large toys that are silicone and body safe are fantasy toy companies. There are some that do more just like regular phallic stuff, like Hankies does like a ton of life cast and stuff, but I was also kind of put off from just like, very like realistic phallic dildos. There’s something a little uncanny about a giant dismembered cock. It just gave me the ick, especially when you can have like a super fun colored funky looking thing. It was less about the fantasy toy designs, and more about just the sheer size and accessibility of them that drew me to them. But I was also very into hentai at the time, which definitely built up the monster fucking aspect of the kink, or maybe like, I’m doing a hand gesture, like it’s like a stem going this way [up], so yeah, like you know, watching big ass trolls and shit, like centaurs with giant horse cocks, werewolves with just like giant knotted cocks and stuff like this. I got into it. I would say I am, like, at this point kind of like furry adjacent, but like very far off. I’m not, I don’t, you know, I’m not a furry—
AA: friend and ally?
LJ: I’m a yes, I’m a furry ally. I have literally don’t really get it, but I ended up here because Bad Dragon and all these toy companies are very marketed to like the furry community, and I’m just like, okay, well, I’m here now, so I hope that answered your question.
AA: There’s so many different ways that submissiveness can manifest in a person, and I’m just like, wow, did you really just wake up one morning and say “I need to take something the size my forearm”? It’s a very unique Manifestation. Like did you just watch Lord of the Rings one too many times?
LJ: Oh no, it literally was not that, like, I would say the hentai, and like the kind of more fantasy side of the kink came later. It was literally about size and domination, like I was watching huge dildo porn before I kind of went down that pipeline. The hentai I was consuming at that time wasn’t like monster fucking porn, it was just like other depraved fucking, like, I don’t know, my other kinks. The well is deep. The size kink is just like a fraction, one bucket of the well. It’s what people see online, so they just like assume that’s like my thing, and it’s like, well, it is a thing I’m into, but it’s not the thing. It’s just what you see. It’s just marketable and profitable as a porn niche, because it’s an extreme thing to do.
I remember you were in my room once, you were at my place, and you kind of turned to me, and asked, “so like, what’s with like the huge, the like the huge dildo thing, like people are into that?” and it deeply confused me. Like, I remember having a conversation with my partner afterwards. I was all “_____ is not on the level, like, what is this?” It’s like me with furries, like you seemed confused.[1] You didn’t get it, which to me is like baffling, because I’ve been into this for a really long time. Like, there are a lot of people that are into this, so it just seems automatic that you of all people would understand the appeal, even if it’s not really your thing. So, I was like, “yeah, like, I don’t know. I can’t really say what I don’t remember there being like a trigger to it”. I remember there being things that made me be like, “Oh, that’s what I’m doing”. Like, I would watch big dildo porn and be like, “That’s what I’m doing with the bananas. This is the thing, but it was the bananas that were the start, and like the fucking empties on the shelf, you know. Oh my god, don’t be sticking beer bottles in you, empty beer bottles!
AA: I remember stumbling upon that content back in the day, not yours, just in general. Yeah, no, I mean, I like I respect the hustle, and I do think it’s cool, but for me I think my sexuality is very lesbian-centric, and always kind of has been in terms of the sort of like power dynamics I like. For instance, I always think of domination as being like an exercise of sleek power—even if it’s a man, it should be sleek. Excessive use of force is a sign of weakness to me, proof that your control is slipping.
LJ: Mental and emotional domination.
AA: So, obviously I’m aware that you can just be into like a really big fucking thing attached to a very big fucking creature, human, whatever, but it’s not something I intuitively understood.
LJ: I’m gonna try like to describe it to you in another way, because I am also very much into mind fuckery. I’m like a slow burn person, like you. I enjoy subtlety. When things are overstated it’s like now you’re pressing the button too hard, too fast. A big thing that is like appealing to me about it is like the objectification, because if I am actually going to put my sexual identity into one word, it might be more like object than sub. That was something I related to in hentai. These people getting fucked were just like objects. They were fleshlights They’re not like a person. They’re a thing that is being toyed with, being used by this creature for pleasure or amusement. It tickled my brain. It wasn’t like that much about the act itself, but the “I’m doing this to play with you”. The torment of doing it is an integral part of it to me. If that’s not there it’s not turning me on. Does that make sense?
AA: Yeah, it does. I think that kind of leads us in really well into like really my next question. How would you define your sexuality these days? Monsterfucking seems something a little more complex than straight or even pan. You just said object, but would you like to expand on that?
I describe myself as a late bloomer in many aspects of my life and personality, even though I have been like masturbating for as long as I can remember before I knew what the fuck it was, and all that. I wasn’t a late bloomer in that regard. I’ve always been like a fucking horny person, I guess, but I don’t have a lot of experience in real life with a lot of people, so I’m limited by what I have experienced. What I think I do like, in terms of like sexual orientation, you know, I, I describe myself as bi, but like I’ve never eaten pussy, but it’s like I know that like I would—ever since I was little, I all just want like a scary lady doctor to do things to me. There’s something scarier about a lady doctor than a man doctor. You touched on this already. There’s something a lot more menacing about lesbian domination. He [her partner] keeps giving me these knowing looks. I’ll tell you, like that Blink 182 album cover, Enema of the State, that did things to me.
I used to exclusively watch like lesbian domination porn. I don’t know what I would look up, like “lesbian doctor sadist” or something, my keywords. I think that a lot of my sexuality is attached to, like, these roles, the kink-adjacent roles in my mind, and they’re not, yeah, they are, like, affected by gender, but maybe not in the ways that one would automatically expect.
AA: That makes sense to me. Let’s get back into industry talk a bit. You’re the only cis girl I personally know who makes her own cum, does it take a lot of time? How much behind the scenes prep is there in your work?
LJ: Okay, well, I mean, that’s kind of a deep dive. If we’re just going to talk with the lube, the lube is not a big deal. I’m going to tell everyone right now that this lube changed my life. I struggled with lube for a long time. I tried all, like, whatever good ones that are not supposed to cause you irritation. In this X lube powder is this great ingredient. It’s called polyethylene oxide, and it’s 100% pure polyethylene oxide. There’s also J lube and K lube, which are the same thing, but I think they have some other preservative fillers in them, but they’re all that. This lube is amazing. It’s never caused me any issues with irritation. It’s so good as lube, it’s incredibly like slippery, so whatever. It’s also dirt fucking cheap, very cheap. You buy it as a powder and you mix it with water, and you can mix it to your, like, your desired consistency, which is nice if you want to figure it thinner. I buy a bottle of the powder for like $40 Canadian, and it makes 20 liters of lube, so you do the math compared to all the lube that’s out there, and it’s very cheap.
AA: And you’re going through, what, like 20 liters a day, a week?
LJ: I don’t know, I’ve had this question asked so many times. It’s a valid question. I mean, I have bottles of it. It depends. If I’m making the fake cum I also add titanium dioxide, just like food-grade titanium dioxide, that gives it the white hue. It’s safe for insertion, you just have to buy that cheap. Bulk Barn probably sells it. Yeah, I think that’s like one of the things that goes into mineral sunscreen. I believe it gives like the white cast, so it’s very good. What was I saying? Oh, right, so if I’m like making the cum lube I use a peristaltic pump. It’s like a fluid transfer pump. I bought that a while ago, so I didn’t have to fuck around with syringes. So I started mixing like batches of like two liters of cum lube at a time for like a single shoot, so I burned through it a lot faster. It’s easy, I just use a whisk and just whisk it. It’s made in like 10 minutes, it’s no big deal, some people use a magic bullet, but lube is easy prep. I also make bottles of just like lube, and I add potassium sorbate to them. It’s a preservative, and those will keep for like several weeks, because the X lube, the thing is, it does like lose its thing. It becomes watery after a few days. So, if you want to like make a batch that you can have just ready to go without having to make it, just put some potassium sorbate in there. I put in—I’m giving you the recipe—I put in an eighth of a teaspoon in one liter, that is the ratio for preserving it. But yeah, did you want to know about, like, prep in general, or just lube?
AA: I guess prep in general. Can you give me, like, I feel like every time we hang out, you know, because I tend to stay at your place for long periods, you know, so I see you hustle. There’s the time it takes to set up for shoot, and then there’s also the time you spend editing, and the time you spend on the computer, presumably speaking with fans and other sort of—
LJ: Administration?
AA: Yeah, administration. it seems to me like you work shockingly long hours for a girl who famously hates work?
LJ: Yeah, no, absolutely, that’s absolutely what’s going on. Obviously, I enjoy it, it’s been like a project for me. It’s been a passion project, being able to work when I want, how much I want. it’s like a creative outlet for me, and it’s all for this. The validation was a big part of it, but also I struggled for a long time with like not having a creative outlet, and I wanted one that like I could get validation for. It wasn’t just, “I want validation that I’m hot”. I want validation that I can create something beautiful and somehow meaningful. So, I describe what I do as a cross between sport and art. It’s very, very deeply satisfying to me on both levels, because I’m an athlete, I love pushing my body, but I also like really want to produce things, and I’m not very like artistically talented in a lot of ways, so this is kind of like a good way for me to explore that. You know, to set up a shoot, it’s all very orchestrated, it’s all very tailored, very constructed and curated. I put a lot of effort into finding the angles. I’m not a professional cinematographer but I’m proud of the amateur content I make.
I work a lot. I think it took me like a long time—like I said, slow learner, late bloomer sort of thing—It took me a long time to realize, like, “oh, you are just like always working”, like always. When I started making bank on it, it was just like “I’m gonna put more in, because this was the first thing I’ve ever done in my life where I got it, was pretty much linear.” I got exactly out of it as much as I put into it, and I’ve never had that happen before, and I mean, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m like a notoriously hard worker, like I am. I love being able to work. I love to work. By which I mean, I love to work when I feel like I am being validated and recognized for it. I really do love it. I’m like a work dog, like put me out there, get me out in the field, give me praise, give me like all of it, and I will work endlessly for you, because I love it. That’s what this was. I’ve been frustrated my whole life with all the things I’ve been so invested being good at because it felt like I was never getting out of it as much as I put in. It there was always a ceiling. I was limited by genetics for bodybuilding, for example. And you’re limited by this with jobs too. A lot, most jobs are just like, “don’t fucking put more effort into it than you need to”, because there’s no point. This was like the first time that the more I put into it, the more I was literally earning. Like you see the money, you see like your follower count go up. It’s so satisfying, and I will just say it, addictive.”
AA: This was a huge part of like Auto_Anon for me because very much the same. For the first time in my life, I was actually getting back the effort I was putting in, and the validation was not mediated by a singular manager or a singular boss, who you know, inherently, that’s a very fickle individual person. I cannot stand having to please one person. It really, really pisses me off, because by and large that person’s opinion is going to be influenced by so many things outside of your control, so many personal preferences that you can’t possibly know, and might not even be able to understand—ones that aren’t actually about objective quality. Hell, a boss can be tired cause their kid kept them up all night, and then they read your work and they say “this is harder to read than usual” and that’s targeted out at you, you have to “fix” it, even though it’s really cause of their inner state, cause they’re tired. But if you can get, you know, get the validation of 10,000, 20,000, 40,000 people, you know, that is, you know, it’s like, oh my fuck, thank the stars, that one person was wrong, because look at me getting all of these people.
LJ: Yes, it’s validating in that respect, right? Where you’re like, oh, like there is value to what I’m doing and what I’m saying.
AA: Exactly! We’ve been talking about your success here, and you’ve told me, multiple times over the years, that you’re now a multimillionaire, which, wild, but it’s very clear you didn’t set out to become one, so I want to know first, how did this happen, and second, was there a point when they became harder not to get richer than to keep getting richer?
LJ: This is the crux of what my life is right now, and the decisions I’m trying to make with my priorities. Yeah, it wasn’t, it wasn’t on purpose. I mean, I think I’m finally starting to come to like terms with it, but it’s just been like kind of incredibly surreal. I feel so like lucky and privileged to be able to do all the things I just said to you, what with having this satisfying endeavor and all. And I could have been making way, way less, and it would have been equally as satisfying. I was not expecting it to blow up like it did, and I’m really bad with money, so I finally like got a financial advisor like last year, which is good, because they could actually tell me, like, you know, you could like stop working and live off just like your investment earnings and whatever, which was good, because to me it was like I don’t know what the difference between like having 100k in the bank is versus a million in the bank, because I don’t spend a ton of money, I don’t live like a lavish lifestyle, I don’t know what I need, I don’t know what I don’t need.
I mentioned the word addictive. I think it’s been very difficult for me to step back from the content. I’ve been trying to and I have been, but with difficulty. It’s been torturous because I think I’ve invested so much of my perceived self-worth into this online endeavor, and a big part of that is the earnings, right? So, like, seeing like your subscriber counts go down, it, I have to like sit there and like be like I’m literally still making this much money, which is insanity. Like, what am I? Why am I feeling bad? And I feel bad, I truly do. Honestly, it damages my spirit. It is like watching my spirit points going down. Yeah, like I never intended to be working what is probably like an 80 hour week or something. It’s just that when it started coming in, and I was all, “Oh my god, like I’m getting recognized for my efforts. Of course, I want to work harder, I want to be the best, I want to like do the most!” I’ve always wanted to do my best at something. I’m very all the way in or all the way out, and it’s a problem. It’s great for, like, the fact that I’ve been able to use this aptitude to make absolute bank doing this. It’s perfectly geared for it with that comes the consequence of, like, “okay, you’ve done the thing, like, now what?” Yeah. you know, so I’m not complaining, like, like I said, it was perfect. It’s a perfect endeavor for me, and it worked perfectly, and I feel so incredibly lucky to have had this happen. But I think for people like me, and I’m sure people like you, it’s very hard to like not get sucked into wanting to do more, and there is the thing with this, because there is no ceiling, you can always do more, you know, and that’s why it’s like hard to not work. You’ll be like watching a movie, and suddenly you think, “Oh, I could be like replying to DMs right now”, and you could be. I mean, at least the nice thing about a shitty office job is that you’re totally mentally checked out of it. You don’t care about it, and the day ends, and you go home, and you fuck off, and you live your life. So the it’s the pros and cons of like turning your hobbies into work, I guess, especially when they turn out to be lucrative,
AA: For sure. No, on one hand, I did this for often no money on Auto_Anon on the Instagram page for years and years. I started it in 2019 and it had thousands of followers within a few months. That page blew up on there, and you know, maybe I made 1000 bucks here and there off of book sales and merch, but never a pay cheque’s worth. The Substack is the first time I’ve actually been like, oh my, I could actually make a living doing this. And my Substack income is still, you know, well below the poverty line and every paid subscriber is like, you know, “oh shit, this is a substantial increase to my income”, and every time I lose a paying subscriber, I’m like, oh fuck, what did I do? How do I fix this? What did I do wrong? I can already feel that. I got one the other day that said in their reason for no longer paying, “you post too much content”, and I’m like, fuck, I’m hustling too hard.
LJ: What kind of complaint is that?
AA: I know!
LJ: Insane!
AA: But, yeah, no, but at the same time, I think, the people always talk about the starving artist being really like a way forward, in terms of, like, no one’s as productive as when they’re hungry for it. In some cases, literally hungry for it. So, I’m just out here being like, oh gosh, this is a great idea for Substack article. That’s a great idea for Substack article. How quickly can I research tonight? Let’s go.
LJ: It’s such an exciting and inspiring moment. I would never take it back, like being able to feel that excited, not everyone gets that. That’s what I’m scared of losing. We talked about this bit earlier, but I’m like, if I don’t have this, am I going to just feel like I don’t have a goal. I’m like torn between like, “oh, like it’s a capitalist mindset to be like focused on production”, and I’m like, yes, but also, is it just like an innate human way of being? I feel like it is for me, but I don’t know if I’ve just been programmed like this, and even if I have, I don’t know if I can change it, like this brings me some sort of happiness.
AA: Charlie Sheen, of all people, had this really, really good line in his recent Netflix documentary—
LJ: Oh I’ve heard about this!
AA: Yeah! He was talking about how the world is constantly preparing you for failure. You’re taught from kindergarten onward how to process and handle failure, but no one really teaches you how to handle success, and I think you—
LJ: Get a bunch of deeply unhappy celebrities!
AA: Exactly!
LJ: This is great!
AA: Your class has changed with success. How does your wealth affect how other sex workers feel about you? Do you feel like you’re part of the same class, the same relation to capital? What’s going on?
LJ: So I mean, I’m going to preface this by kind of saying that it depends on what you mean by sex worker. I have always felt uncomfortable, like calling myself a sex worker, because I feel like I’m like co-opting it or like hijacking it, and like I know, like obviously it’s sex work, but like this is a big umbrella, especially like it’s 21st century. When I think about what I do, it’s like at the kind of far extreme of the privileged end of it, maybe adjacent to that is like cam girls, where it’s not as curated, it’s not as like heavily produced. There’s a lot more like interactivity with the consumer, you know. Adjacent to that is maybe like stripping, where there’s like there’s a lot, you know, you’re face to face, and then like I would in my mind like having like full service of the other end, where you’re like maybe the most exposed and most vulnerable, and it’s the most intimate. I interact with my audience, but not so much, like, mostly what I do is I just post porn, that that is what people are paying for. They’re not paying for like the interaction, I don’t have like chatters, like that’s not the bit, the bit is the extreme porn.
That’s where my effort goes into, and that’s what I like. is like producing the content, you know? I have like I own three cameras, I own a GoPro on top, I’m like filming with like four cameras at a time, I’m like getting all the angles and the lighting, its detail oriented, its cinematic. I could never cam. I mean, it’s absolutely intimidating to me. I could never strip, I could never do full-service work. It’s unfathomable to me. It does not feel like the same thing, because of those involve people skill. There’s like a joke that, like, not a joke, I mean, it’s definitely true that the OnlyFans kind of world is like has the highest percentage of autistic baddies anywhere, because they just like can’t handle doing like interactive stuff very well, they just suck at it, and just like causes them a great deal of anxiety, because, yeah, you just get to like live in your room and film, and then edit on your computer, and chat with people on your computer. You get to hide behind your like third person persona.
So, all that to preface, if we’re talking about like fellow creators, I’m not a very online person. I’m not engaged in the community at all. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to do this interview. I would say, like, I try to do dildo giveaways every now and then, because I have a bunch of dildos and I don’t need to sell them, so I can give them to other creators. That’s like, that’s like, as far as I really engage. I don’t like my online persona on, like, my social media and stuff. It’s just there to, like, just post promo for my content on my paid sites. I don’t get involved in discussions. It’s a very apolitical and removed state. I avoid kind of online in general, because it’s just like I don’t need to be doing that to like make money, and it just causes me stress. I feel like I have nothing to contribute, and the best thing I can do is just like give things away, like my money and toys, and that’s like, okay. I have that, I can give that, like I can donate to a bunch of mutual aid funds and stuff, that’s easy. I don’t know if I’m really answering your question. I feel like, yes, it definitely changes my relationship, but there wasn’t really a relationship to begin with, and it makes me feel part of a community. Yeah, I have some creator friends, and like that to me is community, but we are like doing the exact same thing, you know.
AA: Let me ask this, then, as a follow up, perhaps a little more directed. We often think of wealth as like the ultimate protection capitalist life. It often seems like if you’re wealthy, you can avoid the unpleasantries of life, like discrimination or mistreatment. Do you still encounter discrimination in relation to your work or other aspects?
LJ: The only time it’s like a problem is when I do have to tell people about what I do, namely with the fucking the fuck ass banks. II was banking with BMO [the Bank of Montreal]. Fuck you, I can say it on here. Yeah, I’d been banking with BMO personally, like my whole life, since I was a child, and got my first checking account. Then I opened my business account with them a few years ago, and then last year, I just got a letter in the mail, and it was marked urgent, and it’s a letter from BMO saying they’re going to shut down my corporate accounts because, as a client, I don’t suit their “risk appetite”. That’s the phrase they used. I was like, oh, this shouldn’t be allowed, but okay. Mostly I was just very deeply annoyed that I had to do all the administrative stuff, because I avoid doing things like that. I’m incapable, my to-do list is like eternally long and never gets done, so that was the problem to me, more so than the being offended and the actual discrimination. I went to RBC. I’ve had no issues with them. I went there because I was recommended by my accountant, because they had another client that banks in RBC, and I have a Canadian content creator friend who banks at RBC and has never had problems. I’ve been with them for like a year, no problem so far. So, if you guys are looking for a bank, if you don’t want to go to like random whoever and deal with that, because I don’t, I didn’t want to do that. I’m a fan of RBC, they seem to be don’t ask don’t tell policy.
I’m just trying to live my life and like do my get through my daily to-do lists in a timely manner, like I can’t add more to that pile. More recently, we are thinking of moving and getting a mortgage for a place that’s like more expensive, so to get the mortgage for the place we’re living in now, we just used my partner’s income because mine was kind of like a write-off, I hadn’t been working very long, but the other thing was, you know, my accountant was like, maybe just use his income if it’s enough, because then you don’t have to touch yours and deal with like whatever drama that might ensue, so we didn’t have to deal with that, but now that we want a more expensive place, the mortgage, you know, we probably wouldn’t get be able to get one big enough with just his income. I’m like, okay, well, we can use mine, and I haven’t gone to any banks yet, but I’ve been strongly advised by, like, my accountants and my financial advisors that it will probably be a problem if I go to them, and they will say, like, no, we don’t want your “dirty money”. It is just absurd. I literally have financial statements that say this money is just sitting in an account like nothing’s happening to that money. It doesn’t even matter if I don’t make any more money. It’s there, it’s like real, real money.
AA: Meanwhile, of course, you know, half these banks traffic in arms sales to Israel and probably worse.
LJ: I know, I know, it’s so funny. It felt like a movie. I couldn’t believe I was like, really, like, you don’t want my business, you don’t want my millions of dollars. All right, fuck you, I’ll take my business elsewhere, like, like your loss, I guess. I don’t know, it’s absurd, like I don’t fucking know!
AA: So, just a slight change of topic, to I discrimination that you might not necessarily perceive as discrimination, that is kind of part of the job. I think all sex workers have to deal with it to some extent, but, like even just when we’ve been hanging out, literally just during our interactions, I’ve seen you have to read and process some pretty horrific comments about your body, your vagina, one, you know, once if you’re deeply intertwined with patriarchy and in seldom, like, how do you handle that emotionally?
LJ: Well, I mean, the reason I read them to you is because I think they’re hilarious, and I want to laugh at them together, so that’s, I would say, the primary one. Like, honestly, a lot of it doesn’t really hurt.
AA: The humour helps?
LJ: Yeah, I mean, at the end of the day they’re funny. That’s what they are. They’re funny.
AA: They are pretty fucking funny.
LJ: They are funny. I try not even to, like, you know—I used to like sometimes screenshot them and send them to my friends to be like, “haha’, but I don’t even do that anymore, because I feel like I don’t even want to give like these people the credit, even though they don’t know I’m doing it.
To me, it’s kind of like how you deal with a bully, like they’re just trying to get a reaction out of you, and it’s like, I like, I said, I’m not online a lot. I do not read comments, I do not read like a lot of DMs. The only things I read are the comments on my paid pages, and the DMs from subscribers, which I get to usually I read them like a month after they’ve sent them, so I think because of that I’m kind of insulated from a lot of it. I’ve insulated myself because most of the paying people are chill. Everyone’s normal, there’s like a handful of like bad eggs and like incel freaks, but like, usually, if they’re paying to be with it.
Every now and then it’s a little bit like it’s just a jarring reminder of like how fucked up the internet, and like by extension, like just the general populous male populace is, because it’s like, man, people can really just say it with their chest when they’re online, right? And, like, they get to be like a totally normal-looking person, and in person, and you would have no idea, and that, I think, is what it’s made me a little more…I’ve always been kind of like a skeptical person. But, I’ve gotten a little like just distrustful of people in general, and just how I am. When I see people in person, I’m like, “I don’t know what you actually think about”. There’s definitely like incel adjacent attitudes I encounter a lot, but most of it is just like stupidity and like people not understanding critical thought and misinformation. Actually, that enrages me more than like the incel shit. It really bothers me when people always comment the same questions on my posts, and it’s like I literally have a Q and A posted for free. You are subbed to my page, and I literally have Q and A’s tagged on my page. Why are you messaging me? Like, these are people who commented things instead of just Googling something to get a question, question answered.
AA: It’s in the syllabus!
LJ: It’s in the syllabus! and it’s like, I don’t understand it. You see me getting worked up. I don’t understand. If you’re curious about something to care enough to type a question into a comment box, why wouldn’t you type it into Google to get your answer immediately? Or why wouldn’t you just go to my page to get the answer immediately. Instead, you have to wait a month for me to reply to your question. But to answer your question, yeah, I’m pretty insulated from it. I insulate myself from it, and I recommend creators to do the same thing.
AA: What about real life? We’ve just acknowledged that men have some pretty fucking wild ideas about sex workers. Has it been challenging in the past finding a guy who’s cool with it? Does the size your income or, you know, other things freak dating prospects out?
LJ: I haven’t dated since I restarted it. I would imagine, yes. I’ve thought about it before, like, if I suddenly found myself single and was like in the dating pool again. It clicked, I was like, oh wait, porn might be like a thing, like that might be a problem for people. Right now, I’m insulated, I’m privileged, let’s just, it doesn’t, everyone in my life is supportive who knows.
AA: I was going to ask, does everyone in your life know what you?
LJ: Everyone who I am close to knows, so like my family does not know. My sister knows, because I’m pretty close to her. I told her recently, because I was just like, I’m close enough with you that I feel so annoyed giving you the stupid lie of like what I do for work, like, you know, I’m not a web writer girl, you know me well enough to be like, huh, yeah, no. If I was dating, I feel like the type of people I’d be like interested in anyway wouldn’t have a problem with it, like I don’t know. All my friends are freaks and queers. Like I’m not gonna be dating like Joe Schmoes who say “I don’t like that”.
AA: So you’re saying to be, you know, to date you, you need to be like a leftist and a freak?
LJ: Yeah, I was gonna say like a leftie. The freak is like the primary thing to me. Yeah, it’s like I assume like it kind of works out because like kink is very important to me, and if you’re someone who is like worth dating in a kink aspect, that means that you understand like consent and boundaries and autonomy, so like I don’t think you can actually like be a good kinkster and be like not okay with someone making porn. Anyone who made me hide it would necessarily be including a lack of respect in that request.
AA: okay, let’s switch to a happier topic. Here’s a question that’s a little bit, I imagine, has some positives and some negatives. How has making porn affected the relationship with your body?
LJ: Yeah, so with my body, I actually have a lot to say on this. This is something I haven’t talked about yet. It’s a good question. It’s very much improved my relationship with my body. I briefly touched on earlier that, like, fitness was like it continues to be a pretty big part of my life, but much smaller than it used to be. It was like my life, you know. This, I was a huge gym rat.
AA: Yeah, you had legs the size of my torso.
LJ: I know, I know, I’ve like lost, I’m so much less jacked now, if that tells you anything. I was really, really fixated on my body my whole life. I aways had bad body image. I really struggled with eating disorders for years, years, years. That kind of like was solved by, but also just morphed into like this fitness obsession, where I didn’t have an eating disorder anymore, but I was hyper obsessed in my body in another way. It was more of an evolution than anything else. I was healthier physically, but mentally was I really any better? It was a big part of my anxiety that I was experiencing back then. Porn has, like, made me step back so much from fitness, and just be like a lot happier with my body, and like more neutral, largely because I get to see myself. I pick my good angles and stuff. I get to. I think this was a big part of why I started making content to begin with, being able to see myself as, sexy, that’s good for your self-image, right? That’s what porn has been to me, because I get to, like, make this content and see it, and I’m like, “Damn, girl, like, that’s you, you did that, and just like the overwhelming, like validation and positive feedback you get about people, about things that, like, you maybe didn’t even like about your body—like I was literally about to flash you. I mean, that can flash you. We’re not putting video in there. [She flashes the camera]. You like that Zoom workplace? I had tiny, like tiny titties my whole life. I’ve always been self-conscious about my flat chest. But I’ve gotten like nothing but love for my small boobs, and I think that’s part of what’s helped me like them more. I’ve hated my feet my whole life. I still don’t really like them, but I get foot people. I love the foot people. Like, thank you. They insist “you have great feet”. That means a lot to me.
Moreover, I think in a way it has affected my relationship with my body is that it’s given me another thing to obsess over that wasn’t fitness, and in a way that was much more satisfying for me, in that I got out of it what I put into it. I think fitness for me was not just about my body, but about, like, my spirit, about a thing to work on.
AA: and the thing you’re working on, I presume, is how monstrous a thing you can take.
LJ: It scratches the same itch for me, where it’s about like pushing body limits, like I really like extreme physical endeavors, you know this, so it is that for me, and it’s taken so much weight off of like the gym for me in that regard, and thereby like making me less obsessed with like my body and fitness.
AA: We’re almost out of time, but I’ve got a few final questions just to quickly ask.
LJ: Oh, I’ve been talking so much.
AA: No, I mean yes, but it’s been great.
LJ: Okay, good!
AA: What I really want to ask, just because I think it’s really fun, you do all these fantasy doodle things, and even if you’re not originally the biggest monster fucker, now you have experience with all these different things, and you’ve seen all the hentai. What fantasy creature do you think is the best hung? Who is the biggest dick?
LJ: I think we got to talk about absolute terms and relative terms. So, if we’re talking about like absolute terms, it’s going to be something. It’s gonna be a big monster, you know. My partner just got a Balrog head tattooed on his chest. I feel like the Balrog has a just a monstrous, horrific third leg sort of thing going on.
AA: Yeah, she’s swinging around a water tower down there.
LJ: Yeah, and it’s like barbed! So like non-relative, it’s that, because they’re big, you know, a big fucking shadow beast creature! But relative, I’m gonna stick with a tried and true good old dwarfs. I mean, dwarfs, I think they’ve got like some really big cola cans down there, so to speak, I love a dwarf. I definitely have, like, literal dwarf dildos that are short and thick for partner play.
AA: Okay, let’s end on, you know, two questions that are a bit more general. We’ll start with has the making porn, doing sex work, however you want to conceive it, changed how you perceive the world.
LJ: Yeah, it’s kind of, it’s kind of a big question. I think we’ve already kind of touched on this before, but it’s made me like more aware of like that third personing that we all do, especially just with online social media and all this. It’s been something I’ve always kind of been like a little critical of, like you know, little snobby about, like, hey, when you, when you care so much about your Instagram, like, why is everyone always taking photos at the concert? Put your phones away, you know? Like, um, yeah, I think it’s just like really highlighted that for me. I would say mostly for worse. I feel like I don’t have more sympathy for people because of it. I think it just makes me more annoyed with it, because it’s like I’m projecting, right? Like I know how much I stake into that third personing, and like when I see other people doing it, it drives me nuts.
AA: If you could change one thing about the current structure of the porn industry. What would it be?
LJ: Yeah, so I have like a practical one, and like a less practical one. Ideally I’d say fuck off to the credit card companies as like the payment process. They have a payment process or monopoly on everything, and they’re the ones who control what can and can’t be posted, and I have a real problem with censorship, because of the extreme nature of the content I make, and the fact that it’s like free animal adjacent, I think, is part of it too. Yeah, that getting rid of them would be like the ideal thing, I think, for not just porn, but like everyone. All the Steam users would be very happy campers too.
Yeah, just, why is it like just two companies that get to control like what gets posted and what you can buy on websites? It’s ridiculous, but anyway, barring that is like, you know, not really a possibility, something closer to home, at least with the subscription sites I mentioned, like bots and like chatters earlier, as like that’s kind of become a bit of a bane. They become a bane on these platforms for people wh rely a lot on like interaction with their audience. So many people use chatters that they hire overseas for pennies, which totally horrible capitalist exploitation of the global south, and that’s problematic in itself, or they have like AI bots that reply to people, and you know, consumers, being like I said, lacking critical brain cells, don’t like realize that these aren’t like people, so they, it sets a precedent for everyone and harms people. So, if I were to change anything, I think this is like really easy. I think all platforms should have it where, like, puts a badge on your profile if you use like chatters or bots or whatever, just for transparency. Because it’s like people probably sext with AI all the time, so it’s not like they’re necessarily against it. Like, I understand there’s a fantasy, but when they’re impersonating real people, real creators, it is harmful. Unfortunately this change is not realistic either, though, because the platforms make so much bank off these people that they’re not going to like try to nuke them, so that’s probably not going to happen, even though it’d be easy to do.
AA: Okay, I’ve got to go. But in one in one sentence, what advice would you give to someone looking esthetically in adult content creation?
LJ: Oh my god, yeah, I wish we had more time to talk about this, but essentially, find your niche is what I would say. The market is oversaturated, unless you’re like super hot, conventionally attractive, like Instagram model influencer type person, you’re probably not going to get a lot of attention or footing. An aspect of the industry that’s beautiful is that it’s wide open for consumers to find exactly what they like, so you can really like pinpoint what you like and what you’re good at, and that’ll bring the people there who want it.
[1] For the record, I am not a furry. Just a fan of their comics, an ally. I would fight to the death for them. We need people in this world whose kinks are still considered freak shit to the general public. We must have people into stuff that capitalism can’t coopt and hollow out.